There’s nothing fair about what happened to mom–first losing her soul mate over the course of a week, and then just four years later being diagnosed with late stage cancer. She easily could have given up and I know at times she struggled with the injustice of it. But mom was a fighter and she never wallowed. She was one of the strongest and most determined people you’ll ever meet. She was a doer, she made things happen–organized, ingenious, and highly effective. And she deployed those strengths to their fullest measure during the last 6 years of her life. I’m incredibly proud of her and thankful for that time she gave us. It was difficult for her, living with the constant specter of the end in our midst, but it also gave us an opportunity for a very long good-bye and we took every bit of it. Through her courage she gave us an incredible gift that we will carry with us forever.
From the time mom was first diagnosed with cancer until we last said good bye to her that fall morning in 2014, we visited with her no less than 20 times and never for less than a full week. Over the holidays we would go to Vermont, and a few summers we went to Canada, but more often than not it was mom who made the solo trip across country to California. She underwent a harrowing treatment schedule during those years, but she never let it stop her.
We always tried to make an adventure of it–whether it be a trip to San Diego, to wine country in Santa Yves or Paso Robles, a helicopter ride to Catalina Island, an adventure in Costa Rica, visiting our friend Beth in Carlsbad, or even just trips to the beach and new restaurants in Ventura and Santa Barbara, she was always game. During those years we had great times, with lots of laughs and love. She watched Riley and Jack grow up and built a wonderful friendship with Mary. We wanted more–but those times were priceless and we have few regrets.
In April 2014, we made a family trip to Costa Rica. We all knew that it could be our last family trip together, but we didn’t focus on it. We went to the beach every morning and to the pool. She went boogie boarding. One of the last days of our trip we went on an “adventure tour” into the mountains. Mom road horseback up a mountain and then zip lined between tree stands hundreds of feet off the ground across spans many hundreds of meters wide. She went down a quarter-mile water slide, bathed in natural hot springs, and volcanic mud. It would be just six months before her death–ever brave and determined to take life head on.
I’ll never forget the morning in Vermont we last said good bye to her. After more than a week between the hospital and getting mom home, Mary and I decided we needed to get the kids back to California. It was a really hard decision, but it made sense at the time. Our flight was very early in the morning so I said goodbye to mom the night before. But when we woke up at 4am, mom was awake too. She had been up all night to make sure she could say good bye to us. The cancer had taken its toll on her liver and she was not totally lucid all week, but you could tell she was pouring everything she had into being present at that moment. She was smiling and talking to us. She made sure to engage Jack and Riley each individually to tell them how much she loved them. I know it took everything she had. She passed away the next day. I’m so thankful to her for that. She knew it was her final good bye, and she wanted to make it a good one–one last act of determination from an incredibly strong, brave woman. True to her character, mom left nothing on the table.
