It‘s kind of a preposterous task to boil down a lifetime of experiences and emotions into a 10 minute tribute. I guess the best way I can sum it up is by expressing the overwhelming gratitude I feel for having had parents like mom and dad. I wish they were still here, but I also know how lucky I was to have had them at all. The way they raised us, the sacrifices they made for us, and the people they put around us… I am a lucky man and I constantly strive and hope I can live up to them.
I loved my mom very deeply, I told her it often, we prioritized our time together even when it wasn’t logistically easy, and we always had fun. We shared lots of adventures, tons of laughs and love, and I can say with great satisfaction that I have very few regrets—nothing left unsaid, and boat loads of great memories to draw on, if only I had more time to ponder them. I treasure this moment more than you can imagine and thank you all for being here to empower it.
Thinking back to our childhood, as Chris touched on, this is such an apt place for this celebration because we have many, many good memories here together from a time when, at least for us kids, things were so very simple…hiking up this path, laden with packs, a pack of dogs, trips to the pond, hikes up the mountain, shopping trips into Dorset and Manchester, and of course ice cream.
I think one of the reasons mom loved this trip so much is that it was a great organizational challenge, and certainly she never shied away from one of those. She always worried about such things, way more than she should, because there was never any doubt when she set her mind to something that it was going to happen. Mom was at her core a doer, biased toward action, an incredibly dynamic person who was never quite so comfortable as she was when in the midst of planning and executing one of her many projects. She was extremely bright, but even more so determined and tenacious. She loved new challenges both big and small, ranging from
- How to remove a rooftop box from her car without help
- How to get Gay into the house in Vermont
- How to move an area rug
- How to launch sea kayaks out of the ocean by oneself and get them back out again
- How to line up your car in the garage to ensure its fully inside which as we all know involves a tennis ball
- How to strap a backpack onto a golden retriever so that they might carry their own weight up the hill
- Sew a child’s sleeping bag, knit sweaters, a down vest, a falcon mascot costume or ET Halloween costume
- And of course, how to convert some small, sagging, shack of a home on the beautiful waterfront in Shelburne Nova Scotia into an incredible, sprawling home that was a veritable bed and breakfast, and adventure destination for her family and friends
She loved small kitchen tasks with the exact right tool… all forms of gadgetry and gear. And she loved to teach about it. I frequently remember her sharing some new tool and asking what I thought it might be for… or showing me the results of her completed work with pride and enthusiasm.
Mom found her greatest solace in the physical world, constantly learning and manipulating it to her vision, and she was highly effective and potent in doing so. But yet I’m also struck now looking back at how incredibly humble she was. You would never hear her toot her own horn about anything, she never flaunted or trumpeted her many accomplishments and skills. She was secure and comfortable in who she was as a person and so found no need for such things—always quick to deprecate herself, make a joke, laugh it off, or shift the focus.
Mom was also a loving person, who cared deeply for us, and I am humbled in knowing that Chris and I were her greatest project. That’s an incredible gift. Both mom and dad always prioritized time with the family over anything else and we had a lot of fun together.
The last phase of her life was not an easy one. For a woman who was a planner and doer, losing Dad at the very beginning of the new life they had planned together and waited for was a difficult blow… this was not the plan. But she never dwelled, true to her character she moved ever forward—strong, tough and resilient.
- This is a woman who broke her ankle quite badly on the waterside in Canada, with an impending hurricane, and then dragged herself up the lawn 200 feet on a steep incline in the rain.
- A woman who broke her wrist badly while alone in Vermont
- A woman who drove herself back-and-forth to DHMC hospital on numerous occasions to receive difficult treatments for her cancer
- And who drove herself home from Canada just 3 weeks before she died
It’s hard to fathom those things—they speak to that same courage, determination, and tenacity that served her so well in life—but I hate the thought of her having had to face them alone. Perhaps that is my only regret, that I couldn’t convince her to come live with us in those latter years. But I guess I am left to understand that this was symbolically something she could not abide—a surrender, a loss of her core identity and the independence she valued so much.
She made the most of those last 6 years living with metastatic cancer. I have no doubt those same strengths she called upon in life allowed her to live as long and as fully as she did. And in that time she got to know Mary really well and I’ve always treasured the bond and friendship they formed, she built relationships with my children, and we had many, many fun adventures — trips to Costa Rica, San Diego, Mammoth, central coast of California, to Vermont many times over, and to Canada. I will cherish those times together forever as some of the best times we ever had. I know it was not easy for her, but darn it she was not going to let anything get in her way, and I thank her for that beyond words for that.
There’s one memory that sticks out for me at the end. It was last time we saw her alive in Vermont, and we had taken her home from the hospital so she could be at home in her last days. We knew this was it, but we didn’t know how long it would be and so Chris and I made some difficult decisions about how we would manage through with our priorities and kids and jobs. We decided it was best if Mary and I got our kids home and I would come back a week later to spell Chris. Mom was pretty out of it by this point, but I told her we were going and I told her I loved her, and I can remember clearly she said “I know, you’ve told me it many times and I love you too”.
True to her nature, when I woke up early the next morning and came down stairs Meg was there and said “your mom is awake she’s been waiting up for you because wants to make sure to say good-bye”. Mom never slept well the night before a big trip so why would this night be any different? And so we all went in and gathered around her bed and she sat up and I can remember vividly her saying good-bye to Jack and Riley, pouring every ounce of strength she had left into being present, making sure to give them a big smile and to engage them. She knew this would be her last chance and she wanted to make the most of it.
I am so proud of her on so many levels, both in life and in death, and can only hope and trust that I will handle my own end, my own challenges in life, with that same grace, courage, and humility that she did.
She only ever asked that we pay it forward to our kids. I don’t know why but it’s always stuck with me a conversation we had as I was choosing a college. Of course I chose an extremely expensive private school over cheaper, just as good options. There was no pressure, I only remember her saying “just do the same for your kids”. Obviously that goes way beyond college tuition. And so I’m left to pay those same ethics, those same life skills, effectiveness, grace, toughness, love and humility forward to my children as my lasting tribute and the only one worthy of her. We will miss her but the things she stood for and valued will live on in the people she loved.
The experiences of life over the past 10 years have taught me that while there is never enough time on this earth with the people you love, there are much more important things in life than the mere question of how many years we have. Mom found solace, she found love, she found friendship, she found fulfillment, she found quiet and peace.
She was a great person. Let’s all take a moment to think about her and what she meant to us, and say good-bye.
