All posts by Chris

Sue, Bob, & Chris in Centerport, 1972

1972 Bob Sue Stacey David - 1000 px

This is a picture of Mom and Dad hanging out with Stacey, a friend and colleague of mom’s from Hunter College High School. As a parent who started out at age 31 with Gaia and then welcomed Quinn as a 41- and Thea as a 43-year-old, I am always struck by early pictures of Mom and Dad as parents. Figure that both are at or near 30-years-old in this picture! They look remarkably young.

A spirit of constant exploration

Today is the eleven year anniversary of our father Robert’s death. When I consider how much has happened in our lives over those eleven years, it seems like a long time ago that Dad was tragically lost. But in my own head it does not feel like all that long ago that Dad was a vital presence in our lives. He was inspiring in many ways, and his inspiration still lives and breathes through me.

Robert, cross-country road trip 1995
Robert, cross-country road trip 1995

Dad was a quiet, unassuming person: the polar opposite of what one might call “flashy”. His childhood nickname — given to him by his sister Karen and/or his brother Eric — was “dazzler”. Dad was dazzling in many ways, but calling him “dazzler” had to also be a bit tongue-in-cheek, because even his most spectacular exploits were done in the most humble manner. (I will let Eric or Karen post something about the origin of the “dazzler” nickname… I am excited to better understand where it came from and what it meant!).

Robert, 1+ years old, 1944
Robert, 1+ years old, 1944

What I found most spectacular about Dad was his curiosity, a curiosity that led to a great variety of explorations. Dad wasn’t exactly a geographical wayfarer, but he did his share of traveling to unexpected places. And even when he was firmly rooted in a particular location, he was always traveling in the non-geographical world of ideas.

Did Robert innovate the "selfie"? Self-portrait, Pomona College circa 1963
Did Robert innovate the “selfie”? Self-portrait, Pomona College circa 1963

One of Mom and Dad’s first close experiences together was a trip to Africa. Along with two other classmates from Pomona, they spent the summer between their junior and senior years in Uganda through a program called Crossroads Africa. After graduation, Dad returned to Africa as a member of the Peace Corps in Liberia. I wish that I knew more about Dad’s experience in the Peace Corps. I know that he spent around two years working with local farmers to increase their crop yields, but that is about the extent of what I remember him telling me.

Robert and Susan prepare for Crossroads Africa, 1964
Robert and Susan prepare for Crossroads Africa, 1964
Robert in Liberia, circa 1966
Robert in Liberia, circa 1966

I think that living in Africa taught Dad how to be comfortable with discomfort, a characteristic that aided in future adventures. Dad loved going camping, and was perfectly happy to haul a heavy pack, sleep in cramped quarters, and endure the vagaries of wild weather. I think that he took particular pride in his ability to negotiate the challenges of leaving most technology behind, and was always the lead in finding firewood, setting up tents, and hauling water. We spent summer after summer camping at Merck Forest, and although both Mom and Dad were comparably enthusiastic about this family tradition, I think that Dad’s enthusiasm for the exploratory nature of camping was a major motivation behind our consistent outdoor vacations.

Robert with Chris & Eric, camping at the Grand Canyon, 1982
Robert with Chris & Eric, camping at the Grand Canyon, 1982
Robert hiking and camping at Merck Forest, 1998
Robert hiking and camping at Merck Forest, 1998

Dad was also an avid biker who always rode a touring bike of some sort. He was not concerned with getting anywhere fast on the bike; in fact, rushing was kind of an anathema to his general style. He loved to explore on the bike, and I remember when I was in high school that we used to ride all over Huntington on obscure routes that Dad would have charted after pondering a local map for hours. Dad really like to get the on-the-ground feel for places, and was happy to ride somewhere simply because we have never ridden there before.

Robert loads Eric & Chris into "the bugger" for a bike ride, 1975
Robert loads Eric & Chris into “the bugger” for a bike ride, 1975

Dad wasn’t just a geographical explorer. He also loved to explore the world of ideas. Interestingly he was as excited to explore the world of kinesthetic ideas as he was to explore the world of intellectual ideas. There are so many Dad explorations into the world of ideas, so I will just highlight a few here.

He was an avid gardener, and was frequently experimenting with different techniques for making his garden more efficient and productive. A guy who hated to waste things, he often re-purposed materials found on the side of the road in the garden. There were also a lot of kits constructed over the years to create greenhouses and other growth chambers.

Robert working on his garden, Northwest Harbour, Nova Scotia, 2001
Robert working on his garden, Northwest Harbour, Nova Scotia, 2001

Dad was also a big explorer of technologies. I was among the first of my friends to have a personal computer at home, thanks to Dad’s crafting of a Heathkit computer (yes, it was built from a kit!). Dad was far more patient than most in learning how to negotiate the then very user-unfriendly world of early-days personal computing; as with his other explorations, enduring discomfort and difficulty was secondary to reaching uncharted territory.

Robert working on an early laptop computer, Nova Scotia, 2000
Robert working on an early laptop computer, Nova Scotia, 2000

And then there was the boat building. It is kind of an amazing aspiration to decide that you are going to build a kayak — especially when you’ve never even owned one before — but this kind of unusual aspiration was par for Dad’s course. He ended up building two kayaks and one rowboat, and we enjoyed a lot of aquatic adventures in Nova Scotia thanks to his ventures into the world of hull forms, fiberglass, and epoxy.

Robert building Susan's kayak, The Grandview house, 1998
Robert building Susan’s kayak, The Grandview house, 1998

And of course Dad was an avid explorer of the world of books. Being someone whose job it is to read a lot I am still amazed by the voracious appetite for books that Dad maintained. We used to joke that he really could not be bothered with a book whose spine was anything less than four inches wide, and our bookshelves were always dominated by historical biographies. Dad read a lot, and I always interpreted his passion for history as another manifestation of his love of explorations. He could get as deeply into the world of the historical past as he could get deep into the woods hiking.

When I think of Dad’s enduring influence on me — and what I want to translate from his life into the lives of my children — his passion for exploration stands as one of his most important traits. Like Dad I love to explore, often without an obvious purpose. His life gave me inspiration and license to meander into unexpected places.

The first anniversary of mom’s death: the tragedy of what she will never know

Today is the first anniversary of Mom’s death from cancer. She lived a reasonably long and very full life, but it is still hard to accept that she is gone, especially as a result of a rare and incurable cancer. Life is not fair, because only allowing Mom seventy-one years of life seems like not enough.

In many ways we were very lucky. Mom was diagnosed with cancer in 2009, and initially was told by some of her doctors that she should not hope to live more than a year. Over the next five-plus years she endured a lot of tough treatments but also enjoyed a lot of good times. She continued to go to Nova Scotia each summer, and we all got to join her in a lot of wonderful adventures. When Dad died we had almost no warning; in a matter of days he was no longer present, and in a matter of weeks he was no longer alive. But with Mom’s illness we knew that we had only years left in her life, a very tough reality that also allowed us to appreciate our remaining time with her.

Mom stayed healthy and strong until nearly the end. She drove herself home from Nova Scotia in the early Fall of 2014, and it wasn’t until October that I got the fateful call from her: they wanted to keep her at Dartmouth-Hitchcock because she was beginning to experience serious symptoms of her rapidly-spreading cancer. That short phone call was pretty much the last fully-lucid conversation I had with Mom, although we enjoyed several weeks with her in the hospital and in hospice.

When liver metastases are what kills you, you go pretty gently. Almost mercifully your body’s ability to cleanse toxins from your bloodstream declines, leaving you in a mental fog that slowly thickens. Mom slipped into a state of being less aware of what was befalling her, and I think that was for the best. But before she became completely confused, she had her moments of lucidity. And the one that I will always remember with most love and sadness occurred when she was visited by a palliative care doctor in the hospital.

Mom was never much for emptying her soul: she could be very emotional, but she was not particularly fond of opening up… especially to strangers. So it was a bit awkward as this very kind and gentle palliative care doctor sat with Mom, asking her important — and emotional — end-of-life questions. Central to these questions was did Mom have any regrets that she wanted to address before she died?

In my eyes, Mom had very little to regret in her life. She worked incredibly hard, and became a veritable force of nature, both as the motivating presence of our family and as a talented educator. She had a lot of adventures when she was young, and then with Dad, and then with the family they created, and then on her own after Dad died. Throughout she lived life on her own terms and was a really steadfast, reliable person to all whom she loved. She let no one down, and had nothing to regret.

Mom struggled to answer the palliative doctor’s question. None of her regrets required palliation. But she did have regrets.

“I guess my biggest regret is what I will miss. I would like to be at my granddaughter’s high school graduation, but I know that I won’t be around for that.”

Mom’s honest and clear regret cut right through me, and tears dripped down my face. Although Mom probably did not need the emotional facet of palliative care, I was thankful to that doctor for eliciting this feeling from Mom. For me it was important to face this very sad and very difficult reality: Mom would not be around to see where the family she created would end up.

The tragedy producing Mom’s regret has two mercilessly brutal sides. It is not just tragic that Mom will not get to see what happens to her sons and to her grandchildren. It is equally sad that her grandchildren will not get to experience her — and all of her powers — as they grow up. Eric and I miss Mom dearly, but we carry within us the values and aptitudes that her love and presence as a parent provided. It is tough to swallow that our kids will not have the chance to learn what we have learned from their Grandmother.

This loss inspires a big aspiration of this site: not to replace what having known Robert and Susan would have provided to our kids, but to at least give our kids a rich sense of who their grandparents were.

So, on the first anniversary of Mom’s death, I am most sad for my three kids.

For Gaia, who was lucky enough to get to know her grandmother quite well, but also was just blossoming into a young woman when she lost her Grandma Sue.

For Quinn, who got to experience his grandmother’s adoration and attention, even though he will have no memory of those times.

And for Thea, who only got to meet her grandmother once and under the worst of circumstances.

SueThea

My three babies, I am so sad that your grandmother was taken from you too soon, but I am going to try to do my best to teach you everything that she taught me, and to tell you about who she was.